


The Making of a Jedi

by SecretlyAnonymous



Series: ARscbpsup [5]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Hurt, Ilum, Visions, and you know, hurt/comfort?, this is angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:08:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27868925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecretlyAnonymous/pseuds/SecretlyAnonymous
Summary: Now that Maul's not likely to immediately reach for the dark side, Ahsoka thinks that he's ready to get his lightsaber back.His lightsaber disagrees.
Relationships: Darth Maul & Ahsoka Tano, Darth Maul & Soteria Llano (OC)
Series: ARscbpsup [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1806274
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 2 years in; Ahsoka is 24, Maul is 13

Ahsoka stared at the lightsaber. It had been hidden away in her room for two years. It had screamed and shouted at her at first, before it seemed to quiet into some seething rage. 

Holding it in her hand was worse. The hate and pain radiating off of it reminded her of Maul, the first few weeks he lived with them.

And she was going to offer it back to him.

Force, this could be the worst decision she’s ever made. Maul had progressed a lot in the past few years, but he still hadn’t quite mastered a Jedi’s disposition - and he likely never would. No one would hold it against him.

“You gotta at least try,” Rex said. “He deserves his own weapon.”

She smiled sadly. “I know. I’m just hesitant to hand him this. I don’t think you can feel it… and it’s not good.”

Rex tilted his head. “I can feel something telling me to get away from it. But not any specific emotion.”

Right. That was to be expected - Rex’s instincts picking up on what his conscious mind could not. She nodded. Nothing to do but get it over with.

“You go get Maul, tell him to meet me here?”

Rex nodded and turned around - sharp, not quite an about-face, but reminiscent of one.

She hid the saber under the pillow, deciding to wait until Maul knew what was going on to bring it out.

He knocked on the door before entering, which Ahsoka appreciated. She directed him to sit down beside her on the bed. 

A deep breath - “I’m sure you’ve wondered what happened to your lightsaber these past few years,” she began.

Maul’s face lit up. “Can I have it back?”

“Of course,” she said, and placed a hand on his arm, “But be warned, it may not be the way you remember it. It may not even be tolerable anymore.”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “I’m sure it won’t be. It’s my saber.”

Ahsoka nodded and reached under her pillow. “I’ve kept it here. I hope this doesn’t hurt you.”

He took the saber with all the confidence of a dying man. His face twisted when he touched it, but he seemed to be fine. He stood up, turning back to her. “May I?”

She nodded. He stepped into the center of the room and turned it on. Red - and anger so violent she flinched - flared to life… and Maul collapsed. 

Ahsoka summoned the saber before it could damage either boy or floor, and deactivated it. 

“Maul? Are you okay?”

He was sitting on his knees, hunched over as if to protect his middle. He looked up at her hand on his shoulder.

“Fine,” he rasped. “You were right… it’s really angry.”

Pity welled up in her. “Yeah..” she muttered. “Do you want to try to keep it?”

Maul looked on the verge of tears when he said, “Is there a way to make it less angry?”

Ahsoka pursed her lips. “Maybe? Mine used to be like yours but I healed them. I can try to teach you to do it?”

“Not today,” Maul said. Ahsoka nodded and helped him up, walking him back to his room. She put the saber in a box.

The saber remained in its box for two more days before Maul wanted to try again. Ahsoka brought her sabers to the lesson as well.

“You might find it easier to do if you can see an example,” she held out her sabers. “If you know to look, you can feel the old injuries they had. See if you can feel them.”

Maul took them, falling into meditation. She watched him patiently. When he opened his eyes, he looked more hopeful. “I think that might help.” He turned slightly towards the box, and Ahsoka brought the red saber out and handed it to Maul. 

“Focus on the light - focus on healing the crystal.”

For a moment, the weapon seemed to exude less angry energy - Ahsoka’s heart soared. She wasn’t even sure it was a teachable skill. The Maul lost concentration and the crystal reverted back.

This time, there were actual tears. He shook his head and shoved the saber towards Ahsoka. She placed it back in its box.

“There is no shame in admitting defeat.” She allowed him a few moments to wipe his tears. “Do you want to try again in a few days?”

The vigor with which he shook his head startled her. She didn’t remember it being so strenuous, but then, it wasn’t her memories used to break the crystals in her sabers in the first place, nor had she ever struggled and been pulled into the dark the way Maul had.

“Okay,” she said. “We’ll go to Ilum, get you a new crystal so you can make a new lightsaber.”

He took a steadying breath and managed to smile. She opened her arms for a hug; while Maul wasn’t the most tactile, he did appreciate a good hug here and there. He nearly knocked her over with the Force he attacked her.

She cupped the back of his head and whispered, “It’s okay. You’ve changed and your crystal hasn’t changed with you.”

At dinner, Ahsoka announced their intentions of going to Ilum. “I’m not sure if you guys should go. I’ll wait outside for Maul, and it may just be a day spent in meditation.”

Rex shrugged, used to entertaining himself whenever the Force dragged Ahsoka away. She turned to Maul. “Do you want them there? For moral support?”

He thought about it for a minute, then shook his head. “Usually it’s just a master there, right? I want to do this the right way.”

Ahsoka nodded. “So, Rex and Obi-Wan can go do something for the day, and we’ll meet up with them after?”

“I’ll plot a course to Ilum after dinner. Do you guys want to take the  _ Lost Soldier _ or the  _ Wanderer _ ?”

She glanced at Maul, suggesting, “The Wanderer?” 

He shrugged, so she said again, with more confidence, “We can take the Wanderer.”

\----

Three days later they came out of hyperspace at Ilum.

“It’s pretty,” Maul said, staring out the window. 

Ahsoka nodded. “Cold, though.”

They’d prepared for the cold, bringing warm coats and - for Maul - basic techniques for utilizing the Force to keep warm.

When they went to set down, there was another ship. The  _ Wanderer _ was small enough to fit in the landing zone without causing damage to the other ship, and she suspected they would be gone quickly. 

It was almost sunrise on Ilum, which meant it was colder than usual, but it would also give Maul the most time to find his crystal. Whoever had brought these initiates likely thought the same thing.

“Is this going to be an issue,” Maul asked.

Ahsoka looked over at the initiates disembarking from their ship. Many of them were staring, wide eyed, at their ship. “I think I know who the master is chaperoning here. If I’m right, we should be okay.”

To be sure, she reached out to the others. Still on the ship were three initiates and one far older being. She only ventured close enough to confirm the identity of the fourth being. 

“That’s Master Yoda,” she said, “And he normally likes to get all the information before forming an opinion. We’ll be fine.”

They disembarked. Ahsoka didn’t bother hiding her sabers, and the initiates all crowded around her - ten of them, which made the total for this trip thirteen. She thought sadly to the group she’d led to Ilum almost ten years ago. That had been less than half the size of this group.

Master Yoda managed to corral the last three out of their ship, and Ahsoka bowed when he was close enough to speak. “Master Yoda,” she said.

Master Yoda eyed her critically. “Ahsoka Tano, I presume. You are?”

Maul looked and felt a little panicked, so she put a hand on his shoulder. “Maul,” she introduced him, “my student. We’re here for a new crystal.”

One of the initiates tugged on her jacket. “Master, why do you have three lightsabers?”

Ahsoka reached behind her, pulling Maul’s lightsaber off her belt. There was an idea forming in the back of her mind. “This is Maul’s old lightsaber. It no longer fits him, so I’m holding onto it for now.”

Master Yoda’s eyes narrowed. Ahsoka prayed he’d wait to ask questions. 

He raised his hand. “Hold it, may I?”

Ahsoka glanced at Maul, who shrugged. She handed it over.

Master Yoda closed his eyes, an expression coming over his face that she only recognized from the Clone Wars. “Many memories, this saber has. Not good, they are.”

Ahsoka’s soul felt as heavy as Master Yoda’s voice. “Indeed.”

Master Yoda opened his eyes, handing the saber back to her, and walked over to Maul, grabbing the boy’s hand.

He didn’t seem to need to reach into the Force to know what to say. “Many memories, you have. Happier, they are?”

Maul nodded hesitantly. “Recently, they have been.”

Master Yoda smiled gently and turned to the initiates. “Wasting time, we are!” he said, herding them towards the entrance to Ilum. Ahsoka and Maul followed at a slight distance.

“What is it like,” Maul asked. Ahsoka had wondered when he’d ask - everyone did, eventually.

“It’s difficult,” she said, “There are trials. They will try to draw you to the dark side. You must resist.”

“Trials like…”

“Many people report seeing their worst fear,” she said. “I did too. When you’re young, it tends to be simple, a creature you fear or something like that. As you get older and your fears grow more complex, so do the tests.”

“What if I fail?”

Ahsoka stopped them, turning to face the boy. “You won’t,” she said, “But if you do, that’s okay. It merely means you aren’t ready. We can try again later.”

He nodded, and seemed to radiate less fear, so she called it a win. They caught back up to the group, and one of the initiates latched onto Maul.

“Padawan Maul, why doesn’t your lightsaber fit? I thought your lightsaber was your life?”

Maul shot Ahsoka a panicked look - at the question or being referred to as a padawan, she didn’t know. She smirked at him, content to leave him to the questionable mercy of a bunch of children. 

He sputtered a bit, trying to answer the question without lying. Eventually, he seemed to decide on a course of action. With a steadying breath, he said, “I fell to the Dark Side.”

The children gasped and a few stepped back. She could feel Maul stagger, but he kept going, “And my… teacher was a great help in returning to the light. But I changed a lot, and I hurt my crystal beyond my ability to heal, and we no longer fit. So I’m here for a new one.”

The child who’d originally latched onto him grabbed his hand. “That must be hard,” they said.

“Very,” Maul said. “And I didn’t want help at first; I didn’t realize anything was wrong. But Ahsoka and her partner were patient and made me want to get better.”

The child blinked and Ahsoka could tell the lesson went right over their head. Nonetheless, they kept their grip until they reached the cave entrance.

The entrance to the crystal caves had a set of crystal magnifiers. The ice on the entrance would remain melted for as long as the sun was up and on the ice.

Master Yoda gave a short speech that Ahsoka didn’t listen to, and as soon as there was enough room to squeeze into the caves, the children were off.

They waited in silence - if an initiate was going to come out, they would do it within a few minutes of entering. They would be sent back to the ship to wait. When no one emerged from the caves, Ahsoka and Master Yoda sat down on the ice. 

“Who are you?” 

Ahsoka thought for a second about how to answer that. “I’m someone who’s seen the path the Jedi may take.”

She made sure to look directly into Yoda’s eyes. “I will prevent that path from ever becoming an option.”

“Always in motion, the future is,” Master Yoda said sagely. 

Ahsoka said, in the same tone of voice, “Only with our guidance.”

They shared a smile. “Tell me of the history of that lightsaber, you will.”

She pulled it off her belt again and placed it between them.

“Part of my vision… it featured a sith - the apprentice. He first appeared about eleven years from now. He killed Qui-Gon Jinn and was then severely injured by Jinn’s padawan and thought to be dead. He returned many years later, thriving in the chaos of a war that the Jedi had been drawn into. The Sith’s name… Darth Maul.”

Master Yoda reared back, glancing back towards the cave. Ahsoka assured him, “Your initiates will be safe. I used the information I had to both guess Maul’s age and location, and removed him from the influence of the master several years ago. He has made amazing progress away from the thrall of the dark side.”

“Once begin down the path to the dark side,” Master Yoda began warning.

Ahsoka nodded and finished, “Forever will it dominate your destiny. I know.”

Master Yoda said nothing. She got the impression she was meant to elaborate.

“Maul will always have to deal with consequences of his upbringing. He will always struggle. But that doesn’t mean he can’t be Light. It may dominate his destiny, but it will not define it.”

Master Yoda smiled at her. “Understand that, one must, to aid another away from the Dark.”

“That the Sith are back, you’re sure?”

“I don’t believe they were ever gone in the first place, merely hiding.”

Master Yoda didn’t seem to believe her, or maybe he couldn’t bring himself to. He reached towards the saber in the snow. 

“A Sith’s weapon, this is?”

Ahsoka nodded. “I confiscated it when I first met Maul. He’s only been able to hold it twice and activate it once. Each time hurt him.”

Master Yoda backed up, holding the saber out. He turned it on and gasped, clutching his chest as if he’d been punched. Ahsoka wasn’t sure if it was in reaction to the emotion pouring off the saber, or if it was at the red color.

“I flinch, every time it turns on… and you can see why Maul may not be able to use it any more.”

“Very strong, your padawan is, to recover from this,” Master Yoda murmured. 

Ahsoka nodded. “He is.”

Master Yoda placed the saber back in the snow. “Your padawan’s age, when he was taken?”

Ahsoka closed her eyes. What she knew of the story was terrible. “We’re not sure. He can’t remember anything before the Sith, but sometimes, he has dreams of a family. We think he had a father and probably a little brother a few years younger than him, but we still don’t know where he’s from or if they’re still alive.”

Master Yoda absorbed that sadly. “Come,” he said, “Meditate, we must, until the children return.”

Ahsoka arranged herself in her preferred sitting position. Luckily, she wasn’t feeling too hyped up for sitting meditation. 

When she opened her eyes, the sun was setting. It had been difficult to immerse herself in the Light when there was a conduit for the Dark merely feet away, but she’d managed it - it was, after all, no contest to the entire Force of the future she’d left.

Twelve of the thirteen initiates were back. There was maybe half an hour for Maul and the last child - the one that clung to him - to return.

She hoped they were successful. While the rest of the planet would plummet to deadly temperatures at night, the caverns would stay about the same temperature, so assuming the clothing they wore was insulating enough, they’d be safe if they were trapped for the night. Still, nobody was exactly comfortable leaving them in there all night.

She knew if she watched the gaping opening of the caverns, she’d go insane, so instead she watched the horizon. The small sun crept ever closer, and before long she had to hold her hand over her eyes to protect them from the direct light.

And then, with only a few minutes to spare, two figures came hurtling out of what was left of the opening. 


	2. Maul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maul's POV

Yoda raised his hand. “Hold it, may I?”

Ahsoka glanced at Maul, asking permission? He didn’t really care. Both times he’d handled it, he’d had nightmares. He shrugged. She handed it over.

Yoda closed his eyes, an odd expression coming over his face. He couldn’t identify it, but then, he sometimes had trouble identifying emotions on Ahsoka or Rex’s faces. “Many memories, this saber has. Not good, they are.”

Ahsoka said, quietly, “Indeed.”

Yoda opened his eyes, handing the saber back to her, and walked over to him, grabbing his hand. Something he didn’t recognize drifted towards him - like pity, but not as sad, and a little bit pride.

“Many memories, you have. Happier, they are?”

An odd question - was he happy? He didn’t quite know what that was. His dreams drifted into consciousness, the strange bubble feeling in his chest at the sight of his father or the boy who might have been his brother. Sometimes, he had the same feeling when Ahsoka praised him, or when Obi-Wan smiled at him. Maul nodded hesitantly. “Recently, they have been.”

Yoda smiled gently and turned to the initiates. “Wasting time, we are!” he said, herding them towards the entrance to the caves. Ahsoka and Maul followed at a slight distance.

“What is it like,” Maul asked. He’d asked Obi-Wan, but he’d shut his mouth and refused to open it until Maul changed the subject. If Obi-Wan had been trying to spare him the dread he currently felt, he failed.

“It’s difficult,” she said, “There are trials. They will try to draw you to the dark side. You must resist.”

Maul swallowed. He wasn’t sure he would be able to resist it without his new family there. They helped so much, but how was he supposed to do without them? “Trials like…”

“Many people report seeing their worst fear,” she said. “I did too. When you’re young, it tends to be simple, a creature you fear or something like that. As you get older and your fears grow more complex, so do the tests.”

“What if I fail?” If he turned back to the Dark, would she abandon him? 

Ahsoka stopped them, turning to face him. “You won’t,” she said firmly, “But if you do, that’s okay. It merely means you aren’t ready. We can try again later.”

He nodded, refusing to allow his throat to close the way it wanted to. They caught back up to the group, and one of the initiates latched onto him.

“Padawan Maul,” and some sort of thrill ran through him at the title, “why doesn’t your lightsaber fit? I thought your lightsaber was your life?”

He shot Ahsoka a panicked look, hoping she’d help him. Instead, she smiled. She was laughing at him.

“It’s, uhh…” he said, trying to answer the question without lying, but not wanting to tell the truth either, “It’s complicated…”

The child blinked at him, and he looked up to see the others were staring at him too, wondering what he would say. With a steadying breath, he said, “I fell to the Dark Side.”

The children gasped and a few stepped back. He blinked back tears, not expecting their rejection to hurt so much, but he kept going, “And my…” he thought of a good way to refer to Ahsoka, “teacher was a great help in returning to the light. But I changed a lot, and I hurt my crystal beyond my ability to heal, and we no longer fit. So I’m here for a new one.”

The child who’d originally latched onto him grabbed his hand, and he grasped back, grateful they didn’t seem to be afraid. “That must be hard,” they said.

“Very,” Maul said. “And I didn’t want help at first; I didn’t realize anything was wrong. But Ahsoka and her partner were patient and made me want to get better.”

The child blinked and nodded. Maul didn’t think they got it, but then, they were just a kid. With luck, they wouldn’t have to learn that particular lesson for a while yet.

Nonetheless, they kept their grip until they reached the cave entrance. Yoda hopped about, pulling ropes - and crystals - around until the first beginnings of sunlight refracted in just the right way to melt a frozen waterfall. 

He made sure to keep his awe internal, away from the inquisitive minds of the children.

“Trials,” Yoda began, “You will face. Your crystal, you may find. The time for games, this is not. Care, you must take, to return to us before dark.”

He turned, watching for everyone to acknowledge his words - including Maul. He nodded, and Yoda said, “Now go.”

Maul turned towards the gaping maw of the cavern, now far more intimidating than it had been seconds ago, and took the first step.

\----

At first, the entire group tried to stay together, unconscious thought deciding which tunnel to turn down each time the path split - but then, one of the children attempted to break off. 

“Ohna,” someone whispered, “Ohna where are you going?”

Ohna turned back, seeming out of it. “Oh,” she said, “I hadn’t even realized.”

She turned back to the branch that was calling to her. “I’m meant to go that way. I need to go that way.”

The entire group was silent. Then, the one who’d clung to him on the walk over turned to him once again. “Padawan Maul, what do you think?”

The way everyone turned to him almost seemed a test. In the past few years, there had been one constant rule: don’t go off alone. It seemed like a good rule to live by, so he repeated it back. 

“Stay in pairs, at least,” he said, “Bigger groups if possible. Once you have a buddy, you do not leave them unless you have no choice.”

The group nodded and with no more questions, he assumed they were familiar with the buddy system. 

The kids nodded. Maul said, “Does anyone else feel like they need to go that way?”

Nobody spoke up, so Maul asked, “Does anyone feel like they need to go this way?” He pointed down the tunnel that the others had been starting down. “If you don’t, you should go with Ohna.”

Four of the other kids, including Maul’s new friend (who’s name he hadn’t yet learned, he should get on that) shuffled over to Ohna. An uneven number wouldn’t be good, so he tuned into the Force, to see which way it drew him.

Neither direction seemed to be particularly inviting, so he moved himself to the other path, making the groups now six on one side and eight on the other.

Force, he did not like being the oldest in the group. Leading was  _ not _ his job, not yet at least. 

With one last nod, they split. Mere steps into the new tunnel, it began to slope downward. They all held hands, edging along the ice. When they finally stepped onto flat ice again, the tunnel had opened out into a large cavern. There was a large pool on one side of the cavern, and Maul stepped over to it hesitantly.

“It doesn’t seem to extend under us,” he said. “I can see the slope of the pool.”

He backed up before he could lose his balance, standing in the middle of the room. Breathing through his nerves - and the burn in his nose at the cold air - he reached for the Force. 

It wasn’t much, but something nudged him to his left, so he turned that way. The Force began to hum, the more steps he took, but he stopped and turned towards the group.

“I’m being called this way. Anyone want to come with me?”

Everyone was scattered. Ohna had started to walk to the right, and two of the other kids were with her. 

His friend had stayed rooted on the spot, unmoving. They seemed uncertain, but when a fourth kid stumbled in the same direction as Ohna, they moved to Maul. “Buddy system, right?”

Maul nodded. The buddy system indeed. He shot the other kids a reassuring look and turned down his hallway. With just the two of them, the darkness was more foreboding.

“This was easier when I could hear everyone,” his friend said. Maul agreed.

“We’ll just have to make enough noise for fourteen people,” he said. “Have I introduced myself? My name’s Maul.”

They giggled. “What kind of name is that?”

Maul reared back, almost offended. The hand that was touching the ice, the light long since faded too dark to see, burned. “It’s mine.”

They were still holding his hand, he realized. He hadn’t even noticed when they’d grabbed it again.

“I’m Soteria,” they said. 

“What kind of name is that?”

“Mine,” came the amused response. 

He shuffled forwards, not wanting to trip on a rock or incline. 

Soteria stepped ahead of them. “How’d you fall?” They said, then gasped. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.”

Maul bit his lip. Even if he did want to answer, he wasn’t sure how. “It’s fine,” he said, even as he wasn’t quite sure of his words. 

Soteria was quiet for a minute, though Maul had trouble guessing what they were thinking. Then they asked, “What’s your Master like?”

Maul smiled. This one was easy. “She’s amazing. She was there for me even when I didn’t want her to be, and she’d helped me so much. I don’t know where I’d be without her.”

“She sounds nice. How did you meet her?”

There was a hint of something blue-ish in the distance. The light grew slowly as they crept along the wall. “Two years ago, she came to Mustafar. She somehow knew I needed help. I don’t know how, but she saved me.”

Soteria stiffened at the mention of the planet, and Maul recalled something Ahsoka once said about the Jedi’s thoughts of Mustafar. He winced.

“What were you doing on Mustafar?” And there it was.

“My first master took me there.”

It was bright enough to see, so Maul focused on the ground beneath him.

“Why?”

“To hurt me.”

The tunnel opened into another cavern, smaller than the one before. It had, directly opposite, another tunnel, but he could also possible routes to take through crevices. This.. could get ugly. 

He examined the crevices, waiting to see if one called to him.

Only one of them was big enough for him to fit through easily, but he thought he might be able to squeeze through the smaller ones, if they opened up into a larger.. Something. Cave, tunnel, whatever it may be. When he turned around, Soteria was gone. His heart rate immediately picked up. “Soteria?” He called.

They were gone. He didn’t see them in either of the tunnels or, when he peeked, wiggling through the crevices.

They were just gone.

“Soteria!” He called again, “Where are you?”

He tried to calm down, but he’d never been good at being alone. Then, out of the darkness, they emerged, looking bashful. “Sorry,” they said, “Thought you were right behind me.”

He sighed, relieved. “It’s fine, just make sure to check next time.”

“I think my crystal’s down there,” they pointed to the tunnel. Maul had felt the pull earlier, at the second largest crevice, but they weren’t going to leave Soteria alone.

“We can go get yours, then come back for mine?” He suggested. They nodded and grabbed his hand again, drawing him with them into the darkness. He let them lead, trusting that they would get to the crystal without many obstacles.

Soteria spoke up, just a figure in the darkness, with no visible expression. “I am curious, though.” 

“Hmm?” he said, reaching out to grab the wall. 

“About what the Dark Side is like? They don’t really tell you much in the creche, you know? So I’m curious.”

A pit opened up Maul’s stomach. It sucked in his air, his voice. He took a few seconds to center himself. The pit didn’t leave, but it did release it’s hold, so he counted it as a win. “I’m not sure I can explain. And besides, I’m sure there’s a reason they don’t really talk about it in the temple.”

“Jedi have fallen before,” they said, “I had to do a history project on it about a year back. I don’t understand why they fell though. Or how. What if that happens to me?”

Maul squeezed their hand. “Then you seek help. You remember what the light was like, and you release your emotions - your anger and your hurt. You’ll only waste away in the dark.”

“Is that what you did?” they said, “You said that your master helped you even when you didn’t want help.”

They got quiet, whispering the next question harshly, almost like they didn’t want to be heard, almost like they wanted to hurt him: “Why couldn’t you remember the light?”

Maul blinked. What?

He thought back over the last few minutes. When did the conversation become about him?

“I’d rather not answer that, thanks.” 

Soteria huffed. “Why not? What’s so wrong with you?”

“A lot of things. I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Answer me,” they urged.

Maul swallowed back the angry retort, trying to stay calm. They were just a curious kid, he told himself. “No.”

Soteria huffed. “Fine.”

They let him be for a minute, then said, “How did you fall?”

Maul ripped his hand from theirs. “Are you going to talk about anything besides the Dark Side?” he demanded. “At this rate, I think you only want to ask so you can try it out yourself.”

Soteria gasped. “I  _ wouldn’t _ !” 

“Then  _ act _ like it!” he shouted. “Don’t ask stupid questions!”

“I’m just curious!” they shouted.

_ “I don’t care,” _ he screeched back, “ _ Stop trying to make me talk about it!” _

The silence was deafening, when his own voice stopped ringing in his ears. Fuck - he shouldn’t have yelled. Then - footsteps. Loud, fast footsteps.

“Soteria,” he called, dreading the answer.

There was none, only the fading footsteps.

“Fuck,” he said, stumbling toward the wall. It was cold against his scalp, but his jacket kept him insulated. He put his hand to his mouth. “Fuck,” he whispered again. They left. He yelled and they left.

Why would they leave? Surely they knew their questions hurt - surely they knew leaving would hurt. Were they just trying to hurt him all along? 

Were they just like his master, using him to get what they wanted?

_ Fine, _ he thought.  _ I don’t need them.  _

He stalked off in the direction they were originally going - or at least, the direction he thought they were going.

He kept one hand on the wall. The cold seeped in, hurting at first, burning until he could barely stand it. He ignored it and kept going. 

His whole hand had gone numb when he - thought - he felt something. His dead hand was no help, but he could feel some sort of bump with the other hand. As he focused on the bump, he realized he could see. There was a faint light, growing brighter as nudged at the wall.

Finally, the small outcropping fell to his feet and revealed a shining crystal that sung to him.

His crystal, he realized. 

He’d finally be able to leave. A relieved breath whooshed out without permission. He couldn’t wait to put this whole thing behind him, forget about Soteria and their prying questions. 

Forget about the pit that formed when they ran off.

He placed the crystal in his pocket and turned back, running his other hand along the wall. As one hand warmed, the other cooled. He, once again, ignored the biting pain that etched its way up his hand.

He must have taken a wrong turn, because instead of the dark tunnel opening up into the small cavern, he could see the entrance. The wall had begun freezing back into place and he picked up his pace.

The other ship - Yoda’s - was taking off, he could see even before he exited the caverns.

He tumbled out, into the long shadows cast by the setting sun, and turned towards where he left Ahsoka. She wasn’t anywhere in sight.

“Ahsoka?” he shouted - but the wind whipped away his voice. She wouldn’t have been able to hear. He took off running towards the ships; Yoda’s was high up now, but if they were leaving, then that meant Soteria and the others must have found their crystals and returned safely.

The wind pushed back at him. For every two steps forward, he was pushed back another. But finally, he broke past the biggest wall blocking his sight of the ships. 

There - in front of him, walking steadily towards the  _ Wanderer _ , was Ahsoka, and holding her hand was Soteria. In the dim light, he could see a glow from her free hand - her crystal.

“Ahsoka,” he shouted, but the wind must be stronger than he thought because she didn’t seem to hear it.

He began running again, shouting their names as he went. 

Then, without warning, he was close enough for them to hear. There was no doubt in his mind they could hear him, but they continued to ignore him, and the pit widened. It sucked in everything; his pride at finding his crystal, the happiness he’d found over the past few years. 

“Ahsoka!” he cried, this time genuinely scared. Was she leaving him?

“Ahsoka please!”

She continued walking. 

“Soteria,” he shrieked, “I’m sorry I yelled!”

There were tears now, he could feel the wind colder than it had been. “Please!”

He’d almost caught up to them. If her montrails had been free, he thought the wind might have whipped them back enough to touch. But they weren’t, bundled up in Ahsoka’s coat, and she continued to pretend to be oblivious.

He couldn’t lose them, he thought hysterically. He’d fall apart without Rex and Ahsoka and Obi-Wan. They’d only just put him back together, he’d only been good enough a few days ago. He can’t have fucked it up too badly yet, right?

And yet, as she closed the airlock to the  _ Wanderer, _ Ahsoka looked right at him. There was some sort of soft pity in her eyes, and she said, just loud enough to be heard, “Sorry.”

It was empty, meaningless. He pounded on the door, begging her to let him in, but she turned around towards the cockpit.

Under his hands, the  _ Wanderer _ roared to life. He choked on a sob. She was leaving him - she was really going to leave him here.

She’d found someone better, unbroken, and replaced him.

As the ship lifted off, he raised his hand to his mouth, at first intending to stifle his sobs. Then, he thought wildly, there was no one here to judge him, and just bit down on it. It didn’t quite hurt the way it should, even as he shrieked his pain. 

She couldn’t leave him. She couldn’t have spent  _ two years _ working on him only to give up now. He wouldn’t let her. He blinked back the tears and removed his hand from his mouth, wiping it on his jacket. 

There were frozen tears on his cheeks. They cracked when he contorted his face, but he paid them no attention. He’d bring her back down, make her take him. The Force filled him, hot and angry, and extended out to the ship, latching on. It strained, rumbling in the sky above him. They would come back or they would die - no.

He wrenched attention away from the  _ Wanderer _ . What was he  _ doing _ ? 

That was the Dark Side, burning and roiling and eternal, burning you until there was nothing left, a greedy husk of the person that was once there. It turned everything about a person to  _ ash _ , scattered into the Force.

He wasn’t doing that again. He let the ship go, and it jerked forward. Part of him thought of how Ahsoka and Soteria must have been thrown, and cackled in sadistic glee. Most of him was disgusted. 

If Ahsoka wanted to leave him… that was her choice. He’d thought she was better than to leave a thirteen-year-old on a frozen wasteland, but…

Apparently not.

He wiped the tears from his face, letting the ice crack until it fell on its own. The bite mark on his hand would probably be okay. He hadn’t broken skin, so it would only bruise. Hurt like a bitch for a few days, weeks maybe.

Shifting into informational mode was a different kind of hurt, but he didn’t think he could let himself feel anything right now without drawing on the Dark Side.

The caves would be warmer overnight, he thought. With the sun setting, the temperature was rapidly dropping. He needed to find shelter, but did he want to walk back into the cavern that had caused this whole thing?

In the end, he decided he needed to make at least an attempt to survive. If it proved meaningless, then it would be meaningless and the next group of younglings could find his body. 

He stumbled back to the cavern. In the cool light of dusk, it looked soft, gently glowing blue. It was just the ice refracting the light, but maybe that was part of the charm.

Safely inside, he let himself break down.

He got his crystal - he did it. And she left him.

Would Rex or Obi-Wan miss him, he wondered. Not even a week into his stay on the  _ Lost Soldier _ , he lost control of his temper and came close to killing Rex - on accident. 

Rex may have said he’d forgiven him, but Maul knew better. He wouldn’t forgive someone for trying to kill him.

The things that Rex and Ahsoka bought him - he supposed they were Soteria’s, now, but they’d been his - it had taken them months to save up for a holopad. He and Obi-Wan had needed to share for the first month, before they surprised them with another pad. He and Obi-Wan had gotten into an argument about who’s was who’s, but it wasn’t bad.

Just, he thought, they’d have been able to afford the pads sooner if he weren’t there. They’d had to upgrade the plan to account for four pads. It would have been cheaper if they’d only needed to account for three. 

The pit was there again, sucking and sucking until there was nothing left. He clutched his crystal. At least, he thought, at least he had his crystal. Ahsoka said there would be a test, and he’d clearly passed, since he had his crystal.

He was ready, he thought, but for what, he didn’t know anymore. The only thing he may have been ready for had left him… and it  _ hurt _ .

He tried to ignore it, tried to bury it. The cavern grew darker and darker and so did he, as the roaring wave of the Darkside swept him up again. It couldn’t - he wouldn't let it.

He sat, safe within the cavern, and began to meditate. Ahsoka’s voice flitted into his mind, patient, the way she’d spoken to him while he was still relearning how to meditate. 

The memories and the voice brought with them more pain. He concentrated on them harder. He needed to get deep enough into the Force to release the pain.

It seemed, however, meditating only gave him time wallow.

“Wallowing helps nobody,” he whispered harshly to himself. Instead of meditating, he reached out to the Force, ever so gently. It was still dark, feeding him ideas he tried desperately to ignore, but it guided him. He walked, and walked, and walked for hours, not opening his eyes once.

The movement helped. He’d always focused better when he was moving. The steady steps provided enough background noise to lull him into a sense of security. He released his breath and his hurt.

Deep breath in; she’d abandoned him. Out; there was nothing he could do about it. In; she knew how it would hurt him, out; there was nowhere to go now but up.

He opened his eyes to find himself in the cavern where he’d gotten separated from Soteria. Deep breath in; they’d asked rude and intrusive questions. Out; they were a kid and didn’t know better. 

He thought he might be able to meditate, focusing on his breathing in the center of the room. 

He could take care of himself. The Force, at the very least, could sustain him for weeks to come. However long it would take for more kids to show up. There was plenty of water, back in the larger cavern.

“Maul?” a hand touching his shoulder jolted him to awareness. Soteria was standing above him, black hair a mess. He tilted his head, confused, even as the sight of them burned him.

“Hi,” he said.

They held out their hand. “Got my crystal. Sorry for running off, but you wouldn’t have fit anyways.” They gestured towards the smallest of the crevices. They were right, it was far too small.

He swallowed back a hundred different responses, holding out his crystal as well. It shone against his leather gloves -

\- gloves had not been wearing when he got his crystal.

He blinked, a bit baffled by this turn of events.

“Where was it?” They asked. 

He turned to point out the tunnel, but it was gone. There was only the way they’d come in.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, “only that I got it.”

Soteria studied him for a minute, then declared, “You’ve been crying.”

Maul’s hand shot to his face, but he couldn’t feel anything through his gloves.

“You saw something, didn’t you?” Their voice was soft, understanding. He wondered what they had to face.

“I… yeah,” he murmured. It was just a test?

_ Why _ , he screamed at the Force. There was no answer.

“I guess I just have to accept that I needed to see that,” he muttered. Soteria nodded in understanding, and turned back to the entrance. 

He grabbed their hand. “Let’s hurry,” he suggested, “For some reason, I feel like we’re running out of time.”

They nodded. “I’ll see you on the other side,” they joked.

Maul smiled. “You too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember my last update where I said I was working on another AU? question, and feel free to respond in the comments or on my [tumblr](https://no-human-has-legs-that-skinny.tumblr.com/): where can I find firsthand information about speech disabilities? I've found plenty of scientific papers and such, but that doesn't tell me much about what someone living with the disability feels or has to deal with. If anyone knows, I'd take a firsthand (the person with the disability) or secondhand (friend or family of the person with the disability) account! Currently Google only gets me those professional papers.


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